As we grow together

You and I also fall apart

We learn from our mistakes

But we cling to them as well.

We are what we haven’t done

And we’ve destroyed what we have.

We need each other

We destroy each other.

And in this destructive need we have

We discover who we are becoming.

We’ve yet to decide if these persons are good

Or perhaps if these persons are bad.

Maybe we have just become people.

People who depend on each other

To Love, to Hate.

To build each other

And destroy our progress.

We kill

We build

We protect

We love

And it repeats

Over and over.

We don’t mean our apologies

Meaning them would mean we would change.

We don’t change.

We remain bitter, we remain loving.

We follow our footsteps in tangled patterns

Tracing our misdeeds and good fortunes

We know not who we are becoming.

We just know we are.

----------------------------
Me talking now.

Okay...not really a poem..ish... I know we say hurtful things, but when we say them, we mean and don't mean them. Kind words are lost in feelings of despair, but we do not regret them while we wish that we did. We want to eat them away and say our love and goodnight...

But instead I know it is at least me that lays awake, unsure of what to say or do. Knowing that I am needy...but feeling that I am justified in being hurt. Feeling justified but hating myself, wondering if it's worth it to go on. Would it impact the world to lose me? I don't think it would. Humans have the natural ability to suppress...to move on...to love again. I don't die...because I wish to see progress in myself and the world...but when a teacher has failed to help a student, that teacher fails, and eventually, must fail that student and send them to another teacher. Am I the teacher, or am I the student?

Am I sorry or am I guilty? Am I just depressed?

I hurt another creature. The only creature that I've felt deserved my full trust. Yet at the same time this creature who deserved my trust did not accept the responsibility. Are we both to blame or is this just our nature? Do we hate each other? I think not. Being siblings, we never could. I could never give up my niisan, even if I were to refuse his speech for years and years. We love and we hurt each other. That is the relationship of brother and sister...we protect each other from the world, but eventually we destroy the very person we try to protect while still loving them.

I love my asshole brother because I am his bitchwhore sister.
I love my sweet niisan because I am his imouto-chan.

We love, We destroy.

I love you. Goodnight.

HALP!! My computer won't let me calibrate my colors correctly, it won't accept calibration downloads, and I can't find any online support to flippin help me! HALP ><><><><

stolen from


It's a long one.

ONE - Spell your name without vowels: Mll
TWO - Are you single?: Nope
THREE - Whats your favorite number?: 13
FOUR - What color do you wear most?: Red/Brown
FIVE - Least favorite color?: Yellow
SIX - Favorite candy?: Cookies N' Cream bar
SEVEN - What do you smoke?: um...does it count if the marshmallows I burn smoke?
EIGHT - Are you happy with your life right now?: Mebe
NINE - Anyone ever said you resemble a celebrity?: Yus.
TEN - What is your favorite class in school?: ART and History!
ELEVEN - Do you shop at hollister/DC/Bluenotes?: ??
TWELVE - How do you make money?: Subway. wanna come try my fivedollar footlong?
THIRTEEN - Who is your best friend?: Ti, Neko, Kit, Co, Tawa (>< There are too many to type out)
FOURTEEN - Where do you go to school?: Gateway Tech in Elkhorn
FIFTEEN - Are you outgoing?: Depends on where I am
SIXTEEN - One word to describe you?: Different
SEVENTEEN - Favorite pair of shoes?: My flats from wal-mart (Out of all my shoes, the oldest comfiest ones are still best)
EIGHTEEN - Do you own big sunglasses?: nope
NINETEEN - Where do you wish you were right now?: In a hot tub
TWENTY - What should you be doing right now?: Drawing
TWENTY ONE - Do you have a crush on anyone right now?: ..um...it still counts even when we're together that I has crushes on my loves yes?

HONEST SECTION:
Honestly, what's on your mind right now?: God I wish we could do something other than talk in class
Honestly, what are you doing right now?: Sitting in photograhy
Honestly, have you done something bad today?: I ate a cheese danish ><; So many calories...
Honestly, do you watch disney channel?: it depends on what's on..I watch XD cux is has X-men evo
Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone?: Aaron
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?: >< YES!! I'm jealous of all my friends who are sleeping in!!
Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time?: When I can't say what I want to say
Honestly, do you bite your nails?: Yes.
Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?: Yes...Yes I do very badly...
Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now?: EHEHEHEH
Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like?: don't we all?

THE CANS:
Can you blow a bubble?: Yes.
Can you dance?: as long as there's a set of steps I can do it
Can you do a cart wheel?: Nope
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: No, but I can unwrap starbursts in my mouth
Can you whistle?: Yep
Can you wiggle your ears?: Which ear?
Can you wiggle your nose?: I can scrunch it
Can you roll your tongue?: THREE LEAF CLOVER BABEH
Can you make a clover with your tongue?: *points up*

ANGER SECTION:
What do you do when you’re mad?: Cry
What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?: I punch and throw myself against the wall
Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?: um...everyone.

CRYING SECTION:
Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yes
Ever cried on your friend’s shoulder?: Yes
Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Yes
Ever cried over the same sex?: Yes
Do you cry when you get an injury?: surprisingly not often
Do certain songs make you cry?: Pretty much everysong having to do with fallen romance...or really ooshy gooshy romance songs >< or suicide songs or...*blatherblather*
Do certain movies make you cry?: Every movie ever.
HAPPY SECTION:
Are you usually a happy person?: As far as you know
What makes you the happiest?: Hugs...and doing something I didn't think I could
Does being with your friends make you happy?: Usually
Do you believe in yourself?: Um...if I say yes it's a lie, but if I say no I'll get hit
Do you wish you were happier?: Yes and No...
Is being happy overrated?: Sometimes
Can music make you happy?: Yus!

LOVE SECTION:
How many times have you had your heart broken?: ...oh...wow, I don't know if I know the difference between breaking and aching so badly I can't breathe..
Have you ever loved someone so much that you’d die for them?: Yes. I would die for my friends and my loves.
Has anyone besides your friends and family ever said ‘I love you’?: YUS! XD

HATE SECTION:
Do you actually hate anyone?: I don't think I can
Have you ever been on a hit list?: Probably XD
Are you a mean bully?: I can be if you Fuck with me or my friends
Do you hate George Bush?: How can I hate someone who makes me so amused?

SELF ESTEEM SECTION:
Is your self-esteem extremely low?: um...I don't know...maybe...
Do you think you're good looking?: If I was a little thinner...
Do you wish you could be someone else?: No, that'd be freaky!!

LOOK AT ME:
What is your current hair color?: Brown
Current piercings?: Ears, I want to get my nose done
Have any tattoos?: Still planning and designing
Straight hair or curly?: Wavy and poofy

CURRENTLY WEARING:
What shirt are you wearing?: A green marble cleavage shirt
Necklace(s)?: None
Shoes?: Sergio Tacchuni white shoes

HAVE YOU EVER:
Hugged someone?: I LOVE HUGS
Been on the phone until the sun came up?: Haha, Yes. Recently, even
Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: No, it was a close call though
Laughed so hard you cried?: All the freakin time
Got in a fight with someone?: Yea....

THE LAST:
Person you talked to in person?: My classmates-currently: Vanessa
Person you talked to online?: Tawa
Person you hugged?: my dad

RANDOM:
Do you like surveys?: If I didn't I wouldn't be doing this
Do you get along with your parents?: As far as he knows I do. I don't talk to the lady
Do you have mental breakdowns?: Often

CURRENT:
Current mood: Bored
Current music: Nickelback
Current hair style: short bob
Current crush: Neko and Kit?
Current thing I ought to be doing: Paying attention
Current windows open: dA, Blackboard, Syllabus...thing
Current desktop picture: Woods

THE DIDS:
Did you ever get into a fist fight in school?: No, but I've slapped someone
Did you ever run away from home?: I...ran around inside my house?
Did you ever want to be a doctor?: A vet...but then I realized I'm squeamish
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?: I'd make it worse

THE DO'S:
Do you know how to swim?: Yes and no
Do you like roller coasters?: Only if they don't go upside down
Do you own a bike?: Yes
Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: No...I'm a vegetarian

THE DOES:
Does hair loss run in your family at all?: Yep.
Does your car get good gas mileage?: ...um..it's...a car. Yes it is a car.
Does your family have family picnics?: Nope, we're too lazy

THE HAVES:
Have you ever been on a plane?: Yes
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yes
Have you ever painted your nails?: yeah!

THE HOWS:
How tall are you?: 5'9"
How much money do you have on you right now?: around fifty five dollars

THE LASTS:
Last person you hung out with?: Neko
Last thing someone said to you?: "That's sailor moon isn't it!?"
Last thing you said out loud?:"Yes."

THE WHATS:
What are you listening to?: Mah teacher talky talky
What is the weather outside?: WAHRM
What radio station do you listen to?: The Lake...only cuz that's what we play at work
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Olive Garden
What was the last thing you had to drink?: Powerade-Grape
What was the last movie you watched?: I honestly don't recall

I know I haven't posted much art lately...that is directly related to EVERYTHING I'VE DRAWN ON MY COMPUTER HAS BEEN DESTROYED! GONE! FINI! So yeah...I had my bit of depression which was contributed to by that and stuff...and...yeah...but I'm not on to gripe about old news.

I am starting Gateway next week *Is VERY excited!!!* and I've spent almost three thousand dollars out of my checking account...augghhh it sucks but it's amazingly liberating. For graduation/my birthday my dad finally bought me a LAPTOP!!! EEEEEEEEH!!!! I bought a new tablet and now I'm trying to figure out all of this new stuff @.@ So confusing...but now I have my own little laptop and stuff and I'm soooo excited...yep...so...yea.

I'm lonely...
I feel like I'm just falling into an endless cycle of nothingness and heartache...I miss them...I miss everyone...and I can't do anything about it because of my life and my job...and I hate school, I'm afraid I won't graduate...I'm stressed because I never see my neko...even when I do. I'm alone...I'm just alone and I feel sad and scared and I can't even go a day without wanting to scream. I'm afraid to tell anything to my father, I'm afraid of how I'm going to leave, I'm afraid of leaving. I'm stressed because my boss is an asshole...my dad is an asshole...my peers-whom I see most often-treat me like I belong on a burning stake...I'm just scared and sad and I feel alone....I wish I didn't...I'm scared...I wish you were here with me..